Guilt
by Euphoria123
Summary: Some episodes of Severus and Lily's friendship


Disclaimer: not mine, Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling

Author's Note: I don't have a beta for this so I hope there aren't too many mistakes in there

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**Guilt**

He always wandered about alone the area were he lived. He had no friends and his parents were too busy with their own problems to care much about him.

He walked around trying to be invisible, because some children in the neighbourhood found that he was a great target to torture. So he had perfected his skill to walk quietly and blend in with the surrounding.

He observed the people around him, or he went to his very own refuge in the little forest, and there he climbed up a tree with his favourite book about greek myths, that his muggle grandma had given him.

There he read about adventures and heroes and dreamt that he would go on a journey and accomplish great deeds himself.

One day he lay hidden in between bushes and watched the children on the playground and that was where he saw her the first time. He decided that she was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen, with her flaming red locks and sparkling green eyes.

From that day on he always went to the playground and hoped that she would also come by. It was a week later when he watched her defending a little child that was being harassed by some older children. She was so angry and when she came closer the other children at first thought nothing of it, but then they were hit by an invisible force and fell on their bottoms.

The girl with the red hair looked as shocked as the other children.

A few days later he saw her climbing up a tree with ease that none of the other children were able to climb.

After that he watched her trying to reach for an apple on a tree. But she couldn't reach it, when she was about to give up, however, the branch with the apple bend down and she was easily able to pick the apple.

One day she was alone at the playground and that was when he heard her say how lovely it would be if the swing was blue. Immediately the swing changed its colour. She shrieked and looked around to see if there was anyone else, then she ran away.

Now he was convinced that she was a witch. But judging from her reaction she had no idea, so he guessed that her family was muggle.

She didn't come to the playground for three weeks after that. The next time he saw her she was with her sister. They were both on the swing and the redhead went high and then flew graciously down to the ground. Her sister looked annoyed and told her to stop doing such freakish things.

Her eyes filled with tears after that comment. He got so angry about that, that he abandoned his hiding place and told her that she was a witch.

She looked a little surprised and doubtful at him.

Her sister snorted and said: "Well it seems he is just as much a freak as you are."

Then she left.

She looked at him with her sparkling green eyes and said: "I'm sorry about Petunia, don't mind her. I'm Lily."

"And I'm Severus."

That was the beginning of their friendship.

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"Oh Sev please don't be so boring this is going to be fun."

They were at the spring fair together and she wanted to take a ride on the roller coaster, which he eyed suspiciously he didn't trust that thing at all.

But Lily got what she wanted, she always did.

So while Lily had the time of her life, he saw his short life passing by before his inner eye. When the ride was finally over after what felt like an eternity, she was laughing happily and he was bright green.

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They were sitting in her room together. On the table was a large plate with chocolate cookies.

"Tell me more about the wizards." She begged.

And so he told her what he knew about Hogwarts, Diagon Alley, charms and even Azkaban.

Her eyes were glued to his lips.

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Come on Sev, faster. She taught him how to ride a bike. She was a short way ahead of him, her long flaming hair waving in the wind. Than it happened he lost control over the bike and fell. His shin hurt and he felt blood running down his skin. Lily was at his side in an instant, concerned green eyes looking down at him….and he decided it was all worth it.

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"Gryffindor" the sorting hat shouted. Lily took of the hat shot him an I'm sorry look and went to the table of her new house.

He felt so disappointed.

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"Ah look, it's Snivellus" Black's eyes were full of malice.

"Don't you think James that we could try that new hex on him?"

"Great idea Siri, oh and by the way do you know of a clean hair spell, he most definitely needs it." James voice was full of arrogance.

They both started laughing. Severus tried to escape.

"Oh I don't think so." came Black's voice from behind.

Then his whole body went stiff and he fell to the floor, lying helplessly on his back like a bug.

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During the next five years they would study together, or try out a new potion. Often they would meet by the lake and sit together and simply talk.

To his utter embarrassment Lily would stand up for him against James and Sirius and their followers, she was the only one who ever did.

He loved and dreaded the summers. While he sneaked around the house trying to not awake the wrath of his father, it was still like it used to be before Hogwarts with Lily.

They would go to town and eat ice cream together. Or he was at her place and they listened to muggle records they "borrowed" from Petunia.

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It was the summer after their third year at Hogwarts that he realised that he felt so much more than just friendship for her.

His father had beaten him pretty bad that day and he got some bruises and a black eye. Lily got very angry when she saw it and got some ointment to treat his wounds. Her fingers softly applied the salve on his skin and he felt a shiver run trough his body under her touch.

He looked into her eyes and they were so full of concern and kindness and from that moment on he knew he loved her.

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He was a very good student and he knew tons of hexes. That was why he was accepted by the other Slytherins.

He didn't agree with their views on Muggleborns. But it was so nice to be part of that group to have friends.

They tolerated his friendship with Lily, because he was valuable to them and because they thought it would end one day anyway.

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"How can you be friends with them, you know what they call people like me:" Lily screamed.

"They accept me for who I am. Besides how can you hang out with Potter and Black, you know how they treat me." He yelled back and then stalked away.

He didn't turn around to see the tears in her eyes, and he was already too far away to hear her whispered words:

"But I accept you too for who you are."

This was the beginning of the end.

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His world was shattered. She wouldn't forgive him for calling her that word. He hadn't meant it. He had just been so humiliated and furious. Also furious with her for hanging out with them.

Now he had lost her and it hurt like hell.

That night was the first since he had been four years old that he cried himself to sleep.

His Slytherin friends were there for him, now. They couldn't fill the void she had left but they could distract him.

And so before he even knew what was going on he bore the dark mark on his arm. He worked hard, he strove for power and knowledge, he wanted to show her what he could be.

But all along he knew deep down that he had made a huge mistake.

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The day she got married to Potter he got pissed and spent the night with a hooker, he didn't want to be alone to imagine what they would be doing right now.

The next morning he woke up with a terrible hangover, feeling completely hollow inside.

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He had to save her. It would be his fault if she got killed and he simply couldn't bear the thought. He still loved her more than anything.

So he went to the only man he thought would be able to save her.

He became a spy for the order, it was dangerous but he didn't care; he couldn't care less to die.

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He stood in the ruins of what had been her home until yesterday. Her home with Potter.

Above him the thunder roared and the rain poured down on him. The water splashed hard against his skin, attacking him mercilessly.

He was completely soaked but the coldness he felt came less from the cold wind as much more from deep inside him.

It was as if a cold hand had wrapped its icy fingers around his heart and clenched it tightly, while he felt a chill creep up his spine.

He new the cold hand had a name – guilt.

He had tried everything and still it was not enough to save her. He would never forgive himself. There was no happiness, no redemption for him, not in this life anyway.

All that was left for him now was emptiness, pain and – guilt.

He was on his knees by now, around him were the shattered pieces of what had been her home.

Suddenly he saw something red underneath a piece of wood. It was a diary. He opened it and saw Lily's neat handwriting.

He flipped through the pages when suddenly a sheet fell out. He unfold it and his breathing stopped for a moment when he read:

_June 25__th__, 1981_

_Dear Severus,_

_I don't quite know how to start this letter and yet there is so much I need to tell you._

_Maybe you have heard that I have a son now. His name is Harry, he is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I would gladly give my life for him. It's amazing to think that he is a part of me, he has got my eyes._

_Dumbledore mentioned a new spy not long ago, he wouldn't say a name but the way he looked at me, well maybe it's just a figment of my imagination but I hope that spy is you._

_I pray that your heart is not totally corrupted by promises of power and the dark arts._

_Lately I've been thinking a lot about you, though to be honest I've never stopped thinking about you._

_I wonder if I had tried harder back then, if I had given you another chance, would you still have joined them?_

_I often think of our time together these days. Do you remember when we tried to make felix felixis in third year? It was such a disaster, we tired to jump off the astronomy tower, convinced we were able to fly._

_The first time I went to Diagon Alley was with you and your Mum__. The first chocolate frog I ate was the one you gave me. I realized that you are a part of my happiest childhood memories._

_You also told me back then that blood status doesn't matter. Remember?_

_There is this one question that I've been asking myself over and over again. How could you become one of them? How could you betray our friendship like this? _

_Well maybe I am selfish and I guess in a way I betrayed you too by marring James_

_Did I mean so little to you?_

_I loved you Sev, more than just as a best friend. I tried to tell you but then I always backed down. I was scared you would reject me, I was scared to destroy what we shared to destroy our friendship._

_The day I ended our friendship my heart broke, but I felt so utterly betrayed and I was convinced I didn't mean the same to you as you did to me. I told myself that I had to do this to be able to move on._

_I like James he matured, but I never loved him the way I loved you. _

_I've missed you everyday, your dry humour, your wit, your know it all attitude, your friendship._

_The first time I realized that I was in love with you was in the beginning of our fourth year. I don't know if you remember, we spend the day in Hogsmead and I tried to find a new coat. I dragged you from one store to the next but you never complained. You were always so patient with me._

_Forgive me for not being as patient with you, for not being there for you, for not giving you another chance._

_Are you still the Severus I once knew, are you still my Sev?_

_I wish you happiness, I hope you'll find someone who loves you the way you deserve it. You'll be a great father one day, you're such a caring person._

_Love you always,_

_Lily_

A loud and deep scream escaped his throat that sounded like a wounded animal.

He broke down crying and was ready to die then and there.

But the next morning came and as if to mock him it was a bright, beautiful and crystal clear day.

And that was when Dumbledore found him.

"Get up boy we have to get some dry clothes and something to eat for you." Dumbledore said quietly but sympathetically.

"Go away, let me die, I have failed her again." Severus voice was hoarse from all the crying and screaming.

"You know she wouldn't want you to give up."

Severus still didn't move. He tried to gather the energy and will to get up and move on. He put all the memories of her and his love for her in a heart shaped wooden box and drowned it in the depths of his mind and soul.

After a while Dumbledore spoke again:

"Help me protect her child."

He offered Severus his hand. Severus stared at the hand for a moment.

"Harry" he whispered and then he took the hand and got up.

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Thank you for reading. If you want to make me happy please reply.


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